Rebuilding Bonds
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short-term, structured approach to therapy that originated as a method for working with couples but has expanded to include individuals and families. Grounded in attachment theory, EFT views relationship distress as a result of a perceived or actual threat to the emotional bond and aims to identify, understand, and change the negative interaction patterns (or cycles) that keep partners feeling disconnected and insecure (Johnson, 2019).
Who Created EFT?
EFT was primarily created by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s, working alongside Dr. Les Greenberg (who focused more on the emotion-focused individual model). Dr. Johnson synthesized humanistic experiential therapy with systemic theory and integrated the science of adult attachment developed by John Bowlby.
EFT posits that the fundamental human drive is for secure connection and that relationship problems stem from attachment injuries and subsequent defensive reactions. When partners feel their bond is threatened, they enter predictable, rigid, and escalating negative cycles of interaction, which EFT is designed to break (Johnson, 2019).
Perspectives in EFT
The Therapist's Perspective
The EFT therapist adopts a non-pathologizing, systemic, and emotionally focused perspective. They view the negative cycle (the repetitive way partners fight, withdraw, or blame) as the real "enemy," not the partners themselves.
The therapist's role is that of a process consultant and choreographer who prioritizes:
Attachment Focus: Understanding and accessing the core, underlying attachment emotions (e.g., fear of abandonment, loneliness, shame) that drive the external behaviors (e.g., anger, criticism, withdrawal).
Safety and Validation: Creating a safe emotional environment where both partners feel validated and understood, reducing the emotional reactivity.
The Three Stages: Guiding the couple through the three stages of EFT: De-escalation of the cycle, Restructuring the interaction, and Consolidation of new, healthy patterns (Johnson, 2004).
The Client's Perspective
The client shifts from seeing their partner as the source of the problem ("If they would just change...") to seeing the negative cycle as the source of their pain. They move from focusing on surface complaints to recognizing and expressing their deeper, more vulnerable needs.
The client learns to:
Own the Cycle: Recognize their specific role in perpetuating the pattern (e.g., "When I feel scared, I pursue/criticize," or "When I feel inadequate, I withdraw").
Access Core Emotions: Identify and express the vulnerable emotions (like fear or loneliness) that hide beneath the anger or defensiveness.
Reach for Connection: Learn to communicate their emotional needs clearly and gently ("I need you to hold me," or "I need reassurance that I matter to you") rather than demanding or criticizing.
What to Expect in an EFT Session
EFT sessions are highly focused on emotion and interactional process, often feeling intense but deeply meaningful.
De-escalation (Stage 1): The therapist helps the couple identify and map out their specific negative cycle in detail (e.g., "The more Partner A criticizes, the more Partner B shuts down; the more Partner B shuts down, the more Partner A panics and criticizes harder"). The therapist validates both partners' emotional positions within the cycle.
Restructuring (Stage 2): The therapist guides one partner to access and express their deeper, unacknowledged vulnerable attachment emotion (e.g., "I'm not mad, I'm just terrified of losing you"). The therapist then helps the second partner respond with soft, genuine empathy and reassurance, creating a "corrective emotional experience" where the bond is securely re-established.
Consolidation (Stage 3): The couple practices their new, softer ways of interacting, solidifying their understanding of the cycle and ensuring the new, positive patterns are used outside of therapy. The couple discusses how they will handle inevitable setbacks (ruptures) in the future.
Experiential Techniques: The therapist frequently uses "empathic conjecture," "tracking and reflecting,"and "softening events" to heighten emotional experience in the room, making new, vulnerable expressions more impactful (Johnson, 2004).
How EFT Can Help a Person
EFT is one of the most empirically supported therapies for couples, demonstrating high rates of success in alleviating relationship distress and maintaining gains over time (Johnson, 2019). It helps a person by:
Creating Secure Attachment: It physically and emotionally restructures the bond, helping partners reliably turn to each other for comfort and security.
Resolving Attachment Injuries: It provides a framework for resolving deep breaches of trust (like affairs or abandonment) by guiding partners through the healing process of acknowledging the pain and rebuilding commitment.
Reducing Individual Symptoms: As the primary source of emotional support (the partner) becomes reliable, individual symptoms of anxiety and depression that were fueled by relationship distress often decrease.
Common Uses and Applications (DSM-5 Disorders and Life Problems)
EFT is primarily a relational therapy but is also used with individuals and families:
Relational Distress: Marital conflict, cohabiting couples issues, and significant relationship turmoil.
Attachment Injuries: Affairs, betrayals, and chronic failures of emotional accessibility.
Couples dealing with: Medical illness, fertility issues, or the stress of major life transitions (e.g., becoming parents).
Individual Therapy: For clients struggling with anxiety, depression, or a history of trauma, where EFT focuses on attachment issues with significant others or attachment figures.
References
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.
Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67–79.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
If you are tired of being stuck in the same negative cycle and want to move toward a lasting, secure, and loving connection, EFT offers a powerful, research-backed path to rebuilding trust and intimacy.
Book a session with a therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy and begin the journey of repairing your most important bond.
